this just brings pain to a new level.

i dont know if you even feel any of this.

the look in your eyes.

i can't look into your eyes anymore.
it's not that i don't want to look at you anymore.
it's just that every time i look back into your eyes
memories breach the flood gates
and tears threaten to make a scene.

i think of all the times when i would gaze into those eyes
during a time when the distance between us was not so vast.
i think of how i'd sneak around at night just to call you
and how you'd fall asleep in mid sentence.

i think of all the pain i caused you
all the lies i told you
and how you always deserved so much more than me
but how you always thought i deserved better. nonsense.

every now and then i return to our hill
where we used to sit and talk for hours on end
till the sun had set and the dogs had all gone home
and my mum began calling to find out where i was

every 14th i still think of all the things we used to do
how on one cold morning we sat on the curb with coffee and ants
or the concise timing between the maid and the tuition teacher.
i wonder if you still remember what i remember ..

yeah all that does go through my head in that one split second that our gaze meets.
it sears like a hot coal on cold flesh.
it jolts the memory bank like a branding iron.

i dont know what happened.
it's as if i got hit by a huge wave,
and now im just floating in the aftermath in a complete daze
waiting for someone to come and save me.

i miss you.

a hell lot.

and that's why i can't look into your eyes anymore.

14th march.

happy 14th of march.
happy birthday.

once upon a time it was happy hipo day.

how did i lose that.
how did it end.
how did i lose everything.

A Dream within a Dream

A Dream within a Dream

Take this kiss upon thy brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, to deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

march holidays 2007

FINALLY. the damn march holidays are here.
i've been so excited during the last 3 days in anticipation of the march holidays.
if you've been reading my scarce blog entries, you'll know that im pretty, well. everything's just really messed up.

it's been a really weird first 3 months of 2007.
like really. really weird.
i dont even have one word to describe it.
you know how i tend to summarise certain periods of time using a single descriptive word.

well.. i can't.
there's : interesting, painful, different .. ok so maybe there aren't so many words, but i can't really think now.
it's been an emotional roller coaster. not to say that i've gotten off this roller coaster yet..
but yes, 2007 has started on a bit of a sharp note. it's a bit out of tune. the frequency just isn't right..

anyway. enough puns. i'm tired. and so i'm gonna go enjoy my first sleep of the march hols. i can wake up and go running tomorrow morning. whoopeee.

goodnight !

i must have amazing foresight.
how apt that my blog's name is who am i.

what a day by the sea side

whoa. what a day by the seaside indeed.
today would be one of the top few in my eventful days of my life.. haha that's never good.
let me recount the entire story here..
it started like this, last night, nat asked me to go wakeboarding in the morning..
so at first i was like.. ugh oh man. i cant. i've got school ! but then.. i remembered that it was friday today.
school on fridays are really quite a waste of time, i have 6 out of 8 periods free !!
so i think to myself ... hMM! i can go for the two classes, then leave !
already illegal... but not so bad.
so anyway i wake up with a bounce this morning, then i went to school, spent the first two periods finishing up econs homework while the rest played cards.
and then oh-my-goodness i realide that my two periods of class end too late to go wakeboarding ! so the bad boy in me goes: aiyah ! nevermind la.. dont shake your head at me !! im sure you know what it's like..
here's where it starts .. so it just so happens that a few teachers had gone out for a while to do dunno what.. and i walked straight into them on the way out. not good. i turned on my heel and walked in the other direction.
the worst part ? my history teacher was among them. i was skipping history. not good.
then i just ran off and cabbed to nat's place, picked her and her sister up, then went to east coast park..
half way to east coast, i get a message saying, "ronsmith saw you leaving school. you're dead meat." oh mamamia. definitely not good..
so anyway.. i went to wakeboard.
wakeboarding was fun of course .. first time cable skiing !
so anyway.. me being me. tried to do some trick.,
me being me didnt do the trick properly..
me being me.. accident prone man that i am, got flung face forward, flew a bit(i think) got planted in the water face first, and my legs snapped forward and the board smacked me right in the back of my head (a little to the right)
and cos i was face forward and the board still on my feet, i was lying face down in the water.. managed to struggle right way up, kicked the board off. and felt my head.


i looked at my hand praying there wouldnt be blood. but there was blood running down my arm already. whoa mama.
so i shouted HELPP !! nothing .. i peered towards the control station. nothing..
HELP ! finally i see some movement. a jet ski flew over, and some dude ran over as i tried to clamber out of the lake, one hand still on my head, blood still flowing down my arm.
then i walked back to the control station, and some dude helped me wash it and put a nice bandage around my head. looked really sexy man.. he said it wasnt that bad. just a small cut, but cos it was on my head so there's a lot of blood.. so i was like okay. haha. then we (me, nat, mel and lester) cabbed to the nearest hospital, East Shore Hospital.
so yeah the doctors were all like. ok la it's not so bad. small cut only. go get an x ray. hmmm.
so i waited.. and waited.. and waited.. then got an xray !
then i waited.. and waited.. and waited. and me and nat just sat around for an hour talking. which was quite fun actually. haha. then finally went to get my stitches. and my sister left work and came down. thanks lea !
and then like nat was saying stuff like. i dont see why you need stitches ! it's so small ! haha. but she was really nice and comforting. she looked like she was suffering more than me. haha.
and then after it gets all stitched up. nat goes.. ok i lied. it's actually really quite bad. haha. everyone lied to me ! saying it was nothing much and all. haha but thanks everyone (: i felt so loved. haha if you want a more pictorial and less reading summary. go to http://www.xanga.com/nattaratatat haha.
thanks especially to nat and lea (:



and me ? dont worry (if you were) im fine. i always will be. haha

founders day !

today i shall attempt to blog in french. so sorry if you dont understand. but it's fun. haha.
aujourd'hui est s'effond le jour.
joyeux anniversaire acs !
je devine que je vais passer douze ans de ma vie dans les acs
tout à fait frais je devine
ok ok i've had enough. i doubt that's even correct. haha..
anyways.. i just got home from town, went to watch rocky balboa with some people from my school. not a bad show actually.. sylvester stalone is bloody fit for a 60 year old.
i reckon he'd probably destroy me with his pinky..
school again tomorrow, going wakeboarding hopefully. whoohoo. i love wakeboarding. it's one of my escapes from the madness that is this world.
it's terrific.
the rush is just.. lovely. it shakes my long dead senses back to life.
to feel so free and liberated.. it's the one thing that's keeping me sane now.
too bad it leaves you more or less bed ridden and aching like a fool for the next few days. haha but it's well worth every bit of ache.
i love it.

so anyway ! happy birthday acs ! au revoir !