what can i say to tell you how i feel?

food for thought.

It was finally here- Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months.

The small and picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.

Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of stringed quartet filled the air.

Anna walked down the aisle toward David.

Joy surged within her.

This was the moment for which she had waited so long.

He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.

But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened.

A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand.

Another girl approached and stood next the first, followed by another.

Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

Anna felt her lip beginning to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.

"i'm...i'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.

"who are these girls, David? Whats going on?" she gasped.

"they're girls from my past," he answered sadly.

"Anna they don't mean anything to me now...but i've given a part of my heart to each of them."

"i thought your heart was mine," she said.

"it is, it is," he pleaded. "everything that's left is yours."

communication.

communication is key

everyday, millions of words are exchanged between people

sometimes though words are identical,

can convey diverse meanings.

the same words used sincerely can uplift and empower someone

while if they are used sarcastically can snuff out the last glimpse of hope in someone.

communication is key.

words are likely to be the most powerful weapon in the world

and everyone, or almost everyone, has access to this weapon.

words can start a war.

or extinguish burning hatred.

communication is key.

couples without communication always crumble.

while enemies with communication can become friends.

communication is key.

words hurt.

words give life.

communication is key.

ramblings part IV

as the day goes on he feels like a hamster in a cage.

but not just any cage

this is a different cage.

it has no beginning and no end.

and you can't see where you going.

you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

and it goes in circles.

but he just doesn't know it.

so day after day he runs and runs.

eager to get out

but never seeing the exit.

or ignoring rather.

but anyway who cares about the exit.

he runs and runs frantic to get out.

or so he thinks.

he thinks.

but does he really think?

what IS thinking??

but who cares anyway.

so he runs and runnnns!

and SUDDENLY.

he's out!

out of that wretched tunnel.

but he's still in the cage..

family.

I know I haven't been an easy child,
But love for you lies underneath my whims.
There is no way I could be tame or mild:
I need sometimes to shout and wave my limbs.
You're the wall I need to test my height,
The countervailing force to test my strength,
The chain I hammer at with all my might,
Even though you have increased its length.
To raise me, to just hit or miss.
To have to take turns at playing good cop and bad,
And give me grief before my goodnight kiss.
But love against the odds is stronger still.

most of the time.

lost.

i'm feeling so lost nowadays

i really don't know whats happening lately.

i feel like im seeing the world through someone elses eyes

drifting through each mundane day as though it was yeterday.

watching a movie.

i don't know how to read people anymore.

i don't know how to react anymore.

i only know the difference between good and bad.

and then again my good and bad doesn't seem to tally with the rest of the world.

why does the world seem so angry when i try to do good.

why do i feel like i'm losing sense of everything.

i just don't know anymore sometimes.

sometimes i suspect im living in a 'truman show'

where my whole life is a big movie watched on tv in the "real world"

where everyone around me are highly trained actors.

and the "whole world" as i know it is in on it.

and the only one oblivious to everything.

is me.

im ranting i know.

but then again.

am i?

what if one day i found out that everyone i thought i knew.

were just actors.

and were being paid huge salaries to pretend to be my friend.

to be my parents.

to be my siblings.

and everything that goes on around me is all written out on a script somewhere.

backstage.

i don't know whats happening anymore.

nothing to say.

i feel like blogging but i really don't know what to say.

im just quite annoyed and irratable and pissed off at the moment.

i think its collective.

perfection?

There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe.

It has symmetry, elegance, and grace-those qualities you find always in that which the artist captures.

You can find it in the turning of the seasons,

in the way sand trails along a ridge,

in the branch clusters of the creosote bush or the pattern of its leaves.

We try to copy these patterns in our lives and our society,

seeking the rythms, the dances, the forms that comfort.

Yet, it is possible to see peril in the finding of ultimate perfection.

It is clear that the ultimate pattern contains its own fixity.

In such perfection, all things move toward

Death.

the weather.

i feel like there's this dark cloud hanging over my head.

i'm still waiting for the lightning to strike.

im okay..for now.

dead

A lot of people enjoy being dead.

But they're not dead, really.

They're just... backing away from life.

-Maude: Harold & Maude

end of hols.

and just like THAT

it's gone

poof

holidays?

whats that?

didn't it only just start?

hmmm. guess time flies when you're having fun.

but i feel like a accomplished so little.

feels so

wasted.

experienced a little more pain.

a little more hurt.

a little more laughter.

a little more love.

a little less sleep.

lost a few friends

gained a few friends

lost a few enemies.

probably made a few more enemies.

got caught by the police

pissed off the police

etc.

but it was alright i guess.

love till it hurts.

it's painful

but it feels good.

i don't want to go to schooool!

it's not that hard to understand why so many people can't start their day without a cup of hot tea.

(:

good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.

don't you think.

ouch.

i was so worried about being an arthur.

i might just have been a lancelot.

the time when my randomness kicked in..

i stumbled upon a small book of quotes and decided to blog on them for my friends who i'd thought it would mean something to..doesn't mean it doesn't apply to you too though!

:DEBBIE:

there are no short cuts to a place worth going.

-source unknown

do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

the wasted of all days. is the one without laughter

-E.E.Cummings

i like nonsense. it wakes up the brain cells. fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living

-Dr.Suess

:CHERYL:

shoot for the moon. even if you miss, you'll land among the stars

-Les Brown

when it is dark enough. you can see the stars

-Charles A.Beard

No bird can soar too high if it soars with it's own wings.

-William Blake

If you're going to be able to look back and laugh about it.

you might as well laugh about it now.

-Marie Osmond

when you come to the edge of all the light you know,

and are about to step off into the unknown.

faith is knowing that one of two things will happen:

there will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.

-Barbara J.Winters

some people walk in the rain. others just get wet.

-Roger Miller

:SLOKEY:

every man dies. not every man truly lives.

-Braveheart

you may be disappointed if you fail. but you are doomed if you don't try.

-Beverly Sills

the truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do.

the hard part is doing it (:

-General H.Norman Schwarzkoof

the measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out

-T.B.Macaulay

our greatest glory is not in never falling. but in rising up after everytime we fall.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

:BEN TAN:

wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

-Confucius

if you have built castles in the air your work need not be lost.

thats where they should be. now put the foundations under them.

-Henry David Thoreau

Pursue worthy aims

-Solon

Never give up on anybody.

-Hubert H. Humphrey

all KIDS are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.

-Michael Carr

snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things,

but just look what they can do when they stick together.

-Vista M.Kelly

:TERI:

yea, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone.

otherwise it would be called sure-thing-taking.

-Tim Mc Mahon

when you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you

-Lao-Tzu

whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well.

-Lord Chesterfield

always laugh when you can.

it is cheap medicine

-Lord Byron

:JOHANNES:

experience is not what happens to a man.

it is what a man does with what happens to him

-Aldous Huxley

the trouble with being in a rat race, is that even if you win.

you're still a rat.

-Lily Tomlin

always hold your head up. but remember to keep your nose at a friendly level.

-Max L.Forman

intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings

-C.Archi Danielson

nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

nobody ever died of laughter.

-Max Beerbohm

Sunday May 1st 2005.

Sunday May 1st 2005.

today was a good day.

it was.

a turning point

haha i choose to be vague.

intimacy

"Prince Charles has many titles.

He is the Heir Apparent to the Crown, his Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales,

Duke of Cornwall, Knight of Garter, Colonel in Chief of the Royal Regiment of Wales,

Duke of Rothesay, Knight of the Thistle, Great Master of the Order of Bath,

Earl of Chester, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew,

Lord of the Isles and Great Steward of Scotland.

We would address him as "Your Royal Highness",

but i suspect that to William and Harry he is just "Dad".

When we become children of God we have an intimacy with our heavenly King.'

-Nicky Gumbel

how can you be sure of your faith?

"I know men and i tell you Jesus Christ is no mere man.

Between Him and every other person in the world

these is no possible term of comparison.

Alexander, Ceasar, Charlemagne and I founded out empires,

but upon what did we rest the creation of our genius?

Upon force.

Jesus Christ founded his empire on love

and at this hour millions of men would die for Him."

-Napolean Bonaparte

ebbing away

still trying.

STILL TRYING..

LIFE..

Living
It

For

Eternity.

sometimes i really wish i could just hit the

PAUSE II

honourable mention. shoutouts.

shoutout!

hey everyone! well this is just for like..all those people who've made an impact in my life some way or another. THANKS! and i'm REALLY sorry if i forget anyone!

guys

.SLOKEY.

hey you! oh man i owe you so much. been a great friend to me in the past few weeks and months despite your own problems. always remember to make God the centre! everything else will fall in place around Him. yup. take care!

.JOHANNES.

ah yOU! you're a moron! haha. but i'm glad you've realised your moronicity. haha you've always been a great friend to me. for the past how many years. yup so just hope you'll continue to be yourself! haha. and stop being such an idiot. haha how many drinks do you owe me now huh!?

.BEN TAN.

heyy ben! you might not realise it..but you've really been like a father figure to me the past few months and to many others i believe. thanks for all the wisdom and guidance! and not to mention the lunches and dinners and suppers too. haha. but really i owe you tonns. slow to judge quick to help. yup. thanks ben!

.CHANG.

hey you master moron! i'm not sure if you'll see this but too bad. thanks for all the..ermm.. advice? haha. and adding a new chapter of retardness to my life. for being all stable when i'm losing my mind. haha. keep being a moron and stop being such a moron! hahaha.

girls

.CHERYL.

hipooooooo! haha..what to say.haha.you've really been my bestfriend this..last..year? maybe longer.and i owe you like.. too much.i don't know where i'd be if not for your helping me through all that sinking sand! so yup thanks for pushing through the problems when all i wanted to do was give up (: yupp i don't need to say anything more. except..thanks! and. POKE

.DEBBIE.

heyy webbie! haha you've been more than a great cousin to me! you've been a really great friend too. and i must say that in the midst of your erm. stupidity and randomness. you CAN be quite wise. or pretend to be really well. haha kidding. thanks for everything!

.TERI.

hey therms! thanks for sharing and everything.didn't really get the chance to thank you.really meant quite alot to me..yup thanks for being there for me to talk to any time when i needed a 'ermit' counselling session. hahaha. moderate your fried pig ok? haha.

.JUDITH.

heyy evilwitchfromthewest! haha. didn't really talk to you much until recently. and HEY. you're quite nice! haha. *suprisingly* haha.kiddin! haha thanks again for like.. being quite a nice person to talk to.haha.and being there for me too.yup.thanks!

.SARAH.

hahaha hey sarah! welcome back.you get this little footnote since you asked SOO nicely. and since it's already taller than you are i can't say that anymore.haha.ah sarah here..hmm. if she's anything like she was 5 years ago she's really fun to talk to.a real ego destroyer and balloon popper. but it's all ok! because she'll blow another balloon for you and embarrass herself so badly your ego won't get affected too badly! haha.yeah but she's really great to talk to if you need one of those talks where you need to hear all the stuff you already know but don't believe :) haha i mean this in the nicest way possible. thanks sarah! haha.

tired.

i'm tired of this.

won't they let me alone?

i'm not sure

if i'm going to be able

to leap over the next hurdle coming my way.

i might just stumble.

fall.

and not get up.

i'm

tired..

tired.

psalms! cool!

You are Psalms.
i am psalms!
haha this is quite accurate i guess?
don't worry about me.
i'll be fine.

pain.

pain.

pain.

pain.

rips through me.

and not just me.

it never just affects me

one dies all die

is it enough?

obviously not.

it's never enough.

does it ever end?

WILL it ever end?

CAN it?

so what.

even if it does.

there's always something to takes it's place.

probably worse than before.

it comes in streams.

it's playing with me.

toying with me.

like a big cat poking a mouse with it's enourmous claw.

helpless.

at the mercy of it.

the only thing that we can be certain of.

is death.

but even then..

how when and why we'll never know.

minus suicide that is...

but are we?

are we helpless?

sadly yes we are.

problems.

they're FOREVER GOING TO BE IN YOUR FACE.

FACE IT.

and there's NOTHING you can EVER do about it.

all you can do is.

live with it.

and pray.

but then.

look in perspective.

sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own problems.

i block out the rest of the world.

i'm caved in.

in a world of my own hurts and pain.

and problems.

but you're never alone in all this.

even when you've blocked out the world.

and the world's turned it's back on you.

there's always. God.

waiting until you notice that he's there.

standing with open arms.

one day.

all your problems will melt away.

but until then.

just let Him handle them for you.

COS YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE IT IN THIS WORLD ON YOUR OWN.

it'll eat you.

it's eating me..

slowly.

gradually.

tearing me apart.

one day i might just break.

lose it.

the composure you think you see on my face?

thats called.

a mask.

and i'm trying to tear that mask off.

what if..

what if..

today you lost your memory?

and you woke up, and didn't remember a thing

about anybody

anything you used to do

or did.

what if..

the sun stopped shining today?

the world would freeze over

and you'd wish you never complained about the heat..

what if..

the country carrying your family was destroyed today?

just like.that.

you'd wish you never fought with your simblings..

gave your parents lip.

complained about the food and chores.

you'd wish you stayed home more.

said more.

what if..

your friends were wiped out.

gone.

pooof.

then what.

you'd wish you never made those enemies..

fought with your friends.

ignored them in their times of need..

you'd wish you talked to them more..

told them how much you appreciated them..

you'd wish.

you had just one more second.

1.

to tell them how much they meant to you.

thank them for all they've done for you..

lucky for you.

the world's probably not gonna end tomorrow..(you never know)

nor is your family gonna get struck by lightning..

or your friends, rolled down by a bus.

but it could happen.

anytime.

so why wait for it to happen.

live like today's your last.

but don't spend your money like it's your last.

and stop thinking about the what if's..

and have.

faith.

more ramblings..

everyting just seems like it happened so fast..
it feels so right that it feels wrong.
it feels..
like a fairytale..
like that line from that song..
"somethings gotta go wrong cos i'm feeling way too damn good"?
something like that..
i dunnoo..
everyone says..
wait.. wait.
but then i ask..what are we waiting for?
and then i hear silence.
(it's ok if you don't get what i'm talking about. thats why its called ramblings)
i got some quite sensible practical advise the other night..
but i dunno. just feels too late for something like that..
something like..you've gotta put your foot down first. stop and figure out where you're going or
you're just gonna keep going down a slope
that may very easily end in disaster..
i've dug myself into a hole
that will hurt no matter which way i get out..
hurt alot..
but i can't help but feel..
that i haven't seen so much of the world..
neither has..
well.
a promise thats gonna last forever no matter what.
no matter what..
i've either made the worse mistake of my life..
or the best decision in the whole world!
it feels like the latter..
i just hope it is.
ahh..i'm going mad..
haha i did some pretty crazy stuff lately.
still can't believe it happened.
too bad you'll never know what i'm talking about.
haha.
ahh mistakes to learn from.
crap that sighy feeling. it's back again.


POOF!

the big hit

And that safe secure cushy world is torn apart in an instant..

the thing we once consumed has now consumed us

or them at least..for now..

so many lives lost..

lives that were lost before they were lost

and lives that were safely secured..

and imagine those left behind

the devastation..

just for one moment of your vast amounts of time

imagine

what it could be like..

just for an instant..

no amount of insurance could have helped you..

helped you save that loved one or friend..

no..

no insurance..

no amounts of money..

could save a life.

nothing wordly can..

just imagine..

put yourself

in the shoes of a man

who just lost his wife

kids

insurance

money

house..

everything..

just imagine.

would you still DARE to complain

about giving that LITTLE bit of your

wealth to help them..

imagine if one of your own had been affected?

would you then give your life to help them?

would you DARE to complain about the friends around you?

complain about the smallest things in your life?

as compared to somebody who's lost a

life time of work in a single second in time..

take this as a BIG reminder.

and thank God that you weren't the alarm clock..

the big wake up call

that the end is near..

and your end could come anytime.

are you ready?

stop waiting already..

start living with a purpose..

make it count while you can.

because before you know it.

you'll be sleeping with the daisies..

a tribute to those who lost everything

in an instant.

the new year

and so a new year begins..

new opportunities

new chances

new outlooks

a fresh start

to right the wrong

to mend the tears

a new day

to re-think

re-act

your life

forget the past

learn from it

and move on

this year's just begun and

your choices now

determine where you'll be

next year..

a new class

new friends

weird friends

crazy friends

new teachers

nice teachers

EGO teachers

and a whole lot of peer pressure..

the feeling of being hit by a wave of

coarse language and hand signs

that were lost during the holidays

so freshly come back

the will power not to succumb to the status quo of school..

new decisions must be made

new circumstances

and old problem..

solved just before the new year

more or less..

now facing new heights

new tasks and horribly hard decisions..

taking control of your feelings?

taken control by your feelings?

a new outlook on life

restoring relationships

breaking down grudge walls

a new year..

another whack at life again..