strange writings.

i feel compelled to write today,
though i must confide in you that i have no inspiration to write today.
it is strange how i can feel compelled, yet have no inspiration.
i guess if i think about it, it's not so strange anymore.
we are compelled to do a lot of things, and yet feel no inspiration.

i will continue to share my inner most feelings with billions upon billions of
strangers whom i don't and will probably never know. ( i like to assume that there are billions upon billions of people who read my page )

there's something you should know.
every time i blog, it isn't for me to ramble about my troubles.
every time i open this page, it is another attempt for me to share my thoughts with the world,
and if at the end of these 5-10 minutes, you're left thinking a little more into your life, then i have accomplished far more than i have for the rest of these 23 hours and 45 minutes today.


im sure most of you would have heard about the death of thaddeus. it's always this kind of news that always hits me the hardest. i always think of death as something i'll worry about in say 60 years time. definitely not now anyway. but thaddeus is my age. was. and now he's gone. and though i didn't know him, it's really hard for me to grasp. it could easily have been me. and from what little i know of him, he and i live very similar lifestyles, the triathlon that he was training for is the very same one that i am training for right now. and we're both in J1 and all, but okay that's not the point here.

because and then i realised that thaddeus could have very well lived a much fuller life in 17 years, than many people do in 80. just how many people can lie on their death bed, look back on their whole life and smile, a wholly contented smile? how many people actually live a life that isn't wasted chasing and chasing, and simply chasing and never catching. we watch a whole lot of shows where everyone is in a trance-like obsession to find the holy grail, which supposedly promises eternal life to the drinker of the grail. now everytime i read these books, or watch these movies i always wonder: now who on earth would want to live forever!? to have a longer time to chase? i know i certainly don't.

i always thought it was funny how kids and teenagers longed to be older, and adults longed to just be younger. in short, everyone sort of wants to be what they're not. when was the last time i felt completely satisfied with exactly where i was? i'm not sure. we're constantly looking forward to our next goal, chasing these results, girls/guys, positions, better-paying jobs, popularity.. chasing things that aren't ever going to satisfy us in the long run. from the second we're born, we get hurled head first (literally) into the rat race, which is our life, all the way until we land smack on our ass and find that at the end of the race, we're still a rat. yay let's all give ourselves a firm pat on our back.

just what are we doing? seriously.